


The time the bee was left behind by the ram

by Js_Mindscape



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), PhilzaMinecraft - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF, jschlatt - Fandom, tubbo - Fandom
Genre: Absent Parents, Angst, Angst and Feels, Crying, Cussing, Dad Jschlatt, DadSchlatt, Dream Smp, Exhaustion, Fainting, Heavy Angst, Jschlatt - Freeform, Men Crying, Minecraft, Nightmares, Philzaminecraft - Freeform, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Swearing, Tubbo - Freeform, Twitch - Freeform, YouTube, jschlatt was a good dad, just couldn't afford a child, philza - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28567317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Js_Mindscape/pseuds/Js_Mindscape
Summary: The typical story of how the single dad can't take care of his kid well enough so he abandons him with a trusted friend.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 75





	The time the bee was left behind by the ram

I held him in my arms. He was so small, so innocent. I can’t imagine what that’s like anymore. When the world felt new, a little scary, but exciting. I don’t get excited anymore; I’m too scared all the time.

I don’t understand why she left him behind. He’s so sweet and quiet, especially for someone who was born a month or two ago. I can’t tell what time is anymore. It always slows when he sleeps. I haven’t slept in days. Insomnia is a bitch, ain’t it? It doesn’t help with the paranoia. I’d never admit that to anyone, though.

“You work too hard,” I hear Phil say.

I don’t know what he said before. 

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“What?” With heavy lids, I look up from the teacup set in front of me.

Tubbo isn’t in my arms anymore. I guess I put him in his bed. I don’t remember. I wish I had the energy to be more concerned.

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“I don’t know.” I wanted to shrug, but I was too exhausted to do that.

“Why don’t you let me look after Tubbo. You could use the sleep.”

“He’s not the problem.”

“What is?”

I couldn’t tell him the real reason. I felt like it was way too complicated and grey. I would say it was the nightmares of Tubbo being taken away, or the one with her leaving us alone, or the one where it’s just Tubbo screaming for me and I can’t get to him or-

“Jschlatt.”

“Huh?”

“Go to sleep, please,” Philza said.

He has pity in his voice. I can’t stand that. If I could move, I would get up and leave.

“What did you put in this tea?”

“You haven’t drunk any.”

My vision turned fuzzy. I felt my body slump over without my consent. I fell out of my chair I think.

“Hey, Jschlatt!”

He sounds so far away. 

“Jschlatt!”

Darkness consumed me and, for once, I’m at peace. 

***

I opened my eyes. 

I got up slowly. I didn’t want to pass out. I exit the bedroom I was in and saw Philza holding my son as he slept.

“Oh wow, you’re awake,” Philza said, a bit too loud.

I quickly put a finger to my lips as a reminder. He nodded in response.

“How long was I out?” I whispered.

“Two days.”

“What the fuck?” I grabbed my cellphone out of my pocket in a panic. “No, no, no, no, no…”

Twelve Missed Calls.

I put my phone to my ear and slipped into the bedroom I was in before as I opened my voicemail. Three very loud and obnoxious voicemails later, I could conclude I was definitely fired.

For once, in a very long time, tears came to my eyes. I lost everything only because my body decided to shut down. I sat on the bed.

“Jschlatt?” Phil called as he leaned on the doorframe.

Tubbo wasn’t in his arms anymore.

“Where’s Tubbo?” I said as I tried to compose myself.

“Asleep in his crib, what happened?”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” I asked through gritted teeth.

“I tried, believe me, I did. You just wouldn’t.”

“What the hell am I gonna do, Phil? I’m not gonna be able to afford my house, food, anything.”

“I can help you.”

“You know I can’t accept that.”

“You have no choice, Jschlatt! Your pride is not more important than your son!”

I sat there quietly. He wasn’t wrong.

“I’m sorry, Jschlatt.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m an idiot for letting myself get like this.”

He said nothing. What more was there to say?

I scoffed. “I’ve really hit rock bottom, huh?”

“Jschlatt…”

“I can’t even keep a job. I’m a failure. Just like she told me I would be.”

“Jshlatt.”

“At least I can live up to one expectation, right, Phil?”

Phil sat next to me as I gripped my arms, harder and harder, leaving nail marks behind. I was shaking, more than usual. My teeth felt like they were going to shatter with the amount of pressure I put them in. 

I looked at him as a tear fell down my cheek. “What kind of mother leaves her kid and father of her kid behind like that?”

Phil pulled me into a gentle but protective hug. I dripped on the back of his shirt as if I were holding onto dear life. I wailed into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered.

I don’t know who I was apologizing to. Maybe my pride, maybe Tubbo, maybe Phil, I don’t know. All I knew is that at that moment, I felt such a huge amount of relief. At the same time, though, it felt like the entire weight of the planet was on my shoulders.

I'm such a pathetic piece of shit. 

***

“Baba!” Tubbo called as he hopped with excitement.

“What is it, big guy?” I asked as looked down at my hand he was holding.

He was pointing at a giant bee plush. “Bee!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Bee!!!”

“I see that, buddy.”

“Can we take him home?”

“Uhhh.” I looked at the price tag and pulled out my wallet. We barely had enough for food. “I’m sorry, big guy, maybe next time.”

“Aww.” He stared at his feet. 

“Let’s go check out, okay?” I pulled him gently away towards the nearest checkout line.

“Okay…”

It broke my heart to say no to something so simple. This kid deserves the world, let alone a simple bee plush. What do I do? What CAN I do?

***

I had just put Tubbo to bed when I sat on the old worn couch. I placed my head in my hands as I leaned forward.

He deserves better, but I can’t afford better.

I’m lucky I could beg for my job back with a demotion. I’m paid even less than before and that alone is an accomplishment. The only thing was I was living with Phil and his family, which I hated more than anything. Phil’s family is good company but mooching off of people was not my preferred style. If anything, I wish me and Tubbo would be like Phil’s family. Independent, strong, and financially well off. 

I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t be the father Tubbo wanted, let alone the one he needed and deserved to have. I’m such a failure.

“He deserves better,” I muttered out loud.

It didn’t matter how hard I worked. I was never good enough. That’s not Tubbo’s fault; it was never his fault. I would never, ever blame him for this. I have no one but myself to blame. 

I looked back over to Tubbo’s crib. He was so quiet and at peace. Who am I to say he can’t have that all the time?

I walked over to a nearby table with a pad of paper and pen. I took a deep breath and began writing.

“Phil,

I’m sorry, I know I’m a piece of shit for this. I can’t take care of Tubbo anymore. Please just let him forget I ever existed. He doesn’t need to blame himself for some reason. He’s loved here and better off with you.

I love him and always will. He’s my son, my flesh and blood. That’s why I need him to have a better life than I could ever give him. I know when to walk away when I’ve failed.

Again, I know this is shitty. I’m horrible for this. I don’t want to do this, but I have to. If I don’t, I will never forgive myself for not giving him a better life when I could.

I know you think I should wait this out, but I can’t.

I know you will take good care of him. He will become such a strong and kind person in your care. He won’t be a failure like his old man.

I’m sorry,  
Jschlatt”

I put the pen down and folded the letter up. I quietly went up the stairs and slid the letter under the door. 

There was one more thing I had to do before I leave Tubbo’s life forever.

I wandered down the street until I got to my destination.

Glass shattered as I threw a rock through the convenience store window. I slipped in and quickly grabbed one of the many giant bee plushies. 

I slipped back out and hurried back to Phil’s place.

I placed the bee next to Tubbo’s crib.

I looked at Tubbo, still sleeping so peacefully. I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead as I swallowed the sob that formed in my throat. He hardly stirred.

“I love you, Tubbo,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be better.”

With that, I walked away.


End file.
